how to dialogue the right way


how to dialogue the right way with your partner

Let's do a serious talk. 

T says:

Do you know our least favorite part in a relationship? Yes, that’s right! ARGUMENTS. Men typically don’t want to argue or express a lot. We are simple minded creatures and dealing on the nitty-gritty of the situation just isn’t our thing. Normally, we want it direct to the point, no left turns or u-turns in the arguments but straight to the point. We want solutions and want the argument done as soon as possible. Do you guys agree?

However, it’s not supposed to be that way. Being in a relationship is also a responsibility. After achieving that beautiful word “YES” or “I DO”, both agreed (you and your partner) that we take care of our feelings. That is why we need not only be selfish of wanting to end an argument right away but need to understand the flow, the process, the right way how to do a dialogue to your partner.

Kie says:

I do talk a lot, I talk frankly (sometimes to the point of being tactless), I am open about how I feel, and I accuse a lot. Later, after a relationship workshop, I realized that talking about feelings was the right way, but never the accusing part. Always start in "I feel..." but don't accuse and follow the phrase with "...that you are being too insensitive". The better way is to finish the sentence with "feeling words" like "...hurt or disappointed because of what happened today". Talk about how the situation made you feel - angry, traumatized, embarrassed, sad, anxious, happy, glad, or grateful.

Then, saying "I would appreciate if..." would now lead to the actions after the argument so the issue does not happen again. This would be like a suggestion box. A little warning though, this is only a suggestion box, and not a law to which your partner must abide. Suggest how it would be better for you, and have your partner say his part too. Then you agree on how it must be done the next time. This way, you end up with an agreed action plan that is fair for both of you.

We say:

To dialogue the right way with your partner therefore is to focus on feelings. Feelings!

“I feel disappointed because I was waiting 1.5 hours alone.”
“I feel disappointed because I felt unappreciated with my cooking abilities.”

 Instead of:
“I feel angry because you are late.
“I feel disappointed because you don’t appreciate my cooking.” 
Never, ever, attack your spouse. Focus on your feelings because it is your right. There is neither right nor wrong feelings. Then take turns sharing how you feel. Don’t interrupt (patience guys). And when feelings are expressed (this is our favorite part), then the suggestion box takes its place. 

TnK tip: hold hands while doing the dialogue and don’t talk when you are angry.

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